I really have you to thank. You, who will never see this. You opened my eyes to the world. Good thing you taught me early on in life.
I used to be quite the idealist, to a certain point I still am, but I am no longer as naive. I am now an idealist but also a realist, I’ve learnt because of you, to never let my thoughts get ahead of me, to dream, but to always expect the worst. Out of everything.
Like how there’s no such thing as forever, no such thing as indispensable. How promises are merely words, held in a waiting room, waiting to meet their fate. It only matters how big the holding room is, because in the end they will all be lost and broken. Like how even actions may not mean anything. There’s no point asking for a “prove it” because so what? Everything can become nothing. Everything that begins will end.
Thanks to you I’ve become stronger. I don’t know exactly if it’s strength or just numbness. Either way, it’s a nice firewall you’ve helped build there. Like when “good” things happen, I know I’m supposed to feel joy, but I know never to let it overtake me, because everything can become nothing. When “bad” things happen, I know I’m supposed to feel sad or hurt, but I don’t. I know the emotion is supposed to be there, but I can shrug it off. I can isolate it and ignore it because I have expected it and it doesn’t crumble me. I have learnt to always expect the worst right from the start.
For a while I thought this is sad, that I am no longer able to trust and to laugh without restraints, but I have found it useful in so many ways it’s become a part of me. Now, I find this ability; this numbness, a blessing. It doesn’t matter if this prevents me from living life to the fullest because what do you get from living life to the fullest?
‘Cause you and I, we were born to die- Lana Del Rey